I was going to go to bed, and I got distracted by a post about stocking sizes on vintage_look. So I did a quick search and happened upon this site, teddygirl, which delights me. It's just a trashy lingerie site, like literally hundreds I've been on (what? It's for work!), but it has a really extensive plus size section with actual photos of actual (slightly) plus-size women wearing the products. Generally these sites just have photos of the "regular" items, on "regular" models. What's fascinating is that the photos are classic trashy lingerie photos, they're styled EXACTLY like any Leg Avenue package photo, and yet the woman are gorgeously, lusciously curvy. Looking at the 
http://www.teddygirl.com/busandted.html or the http://www.teddygirl.com/plus-size-crotchless-lingerie.html (NWS, obv.), it's like I fell into some mirror-world where the standard for women's beauty is far more naturalistic and merciful, far more healthy and aesthetically pleasing to me. It's like time travel to Renoir's Paris after some kind of butterfly effect made modesty disappear. It's a wonderful experience, despite the trashiness. This is my favorite: Click here to kiss her gorgeous queen-size ass, beyotches!
But then when you click on the MEN'S "plus size lingerie"- it's all perfectly cut, zero body-fat gym-toned android-men! Hilarious!
Suck my double standard, baby!

I'm feeling very restless tonight.

I should be out dancing. That was the invitation and I was looking forward to it, to seeing the much hyped dance culture of San Juan on my last night here. I had popped into a club this week but felt too alone, too aware of being a solo female.

A combo of rain and pleas of exhaustion from my much younger would be hosts has left me alone, sipping a Chivas Regal and thinking about life and time.

I know when I lived in NYC in the 80's and 90's that I loved to watch good dancers in action, in the same way I like to watch people do anything with grace and style. I was often too shy and embarrassed to be on the floor itself.

I just wanted to dance, in the way I can dance with my friends. Dancing for the sheer fun of it.

I wanted to dance tonight, to slip into a more active role in the world, one where a strong hand would guide me through a dance I didn't know but would enjoy anyway.

Where movement was the point, the sole goal.

Not dancing because you might fuck later, but dancing to dance.

Instead, the would be strong hand went to the movies. Ah, Dark Knight has beat me again. Curse you Batman!

I feel like bothering the whole on-line world, demanding that people be here to amuse and entertain me and keep me company. I went out briefly but my mood demands a certain companionship to make it complete and it ain't happening in San Juan tonight.

It brings me to where I am and why.

I've spent the past two weeks with friends and family, in Florida and Puerto Rio.

I love them all but I have not had much free time and know I am a much better woman and person if I get to be alone for a fair amount of time regularly. I have not had time to think.

Tonight, I am thinking.

Good things

I turned 40 this week, surrounded by people who love me.

I had a great time of it.

I had multiple parties.

I had good meaningful conversation with many, many people who I love and who love me.

I cage dove with sharks.

I heard my sense of humor coming out of my nephew's and brother's mouths.

I spent an entire day at a beach, drinking pina coladas and contemplating tiny fish in the lagoon.

I was awestruck by man's scientific achievements at the Areceibo Observatory, reminded of how small we are in the grand scheme of things but how that is okay.

And I also learned the Drake Equation!

http://www.setileague.org/general/drake.htm (please, take the time to geek out with me here!)

Bad things

I've been too snappish with my mom, because she is the one person I can let myself be not "good" with, because I know she knows me and allows me to be less than perfect because of that. In the same way, I know she can be both mom and woman to me. She says no one else in the extended family does that for her, so it is maybe not so bad?

I've seen age settling in on my parents and hosts, a ruthless killer of ability and grace. I know their struggles will be someday be mine.

I ...

Where was I ? Ah, yes.

Time and place. Self reflection.

If you told me when I was 20 that I would enjoy my current age this much and could be so pleased with who I am in general, I would have scorned it.

What could possibly be worth being old? What could I learn that would take the place of being young?

Time and place.

I look at my 20 year old self and see my unhappiness, the lack of a sense of self, the restless want and need. I see ten years where I never cried or got angry with people, because emotion made me uncomfortable and what might people think?

I am still unhappy sometimes. Hell, I am still unhappy a lot. It isn't a pleasant world sometimes. I'm not an easy person.

I still give into that restless want and need, pure animal because I am unhappy.

What's changed?

I have a sense of self I have now allows me to not lose my mind over a broken plan. It isn't always about me, although it sometimes is.

Now, I'll cry. From rage, from joy, for the moment. Not my problem if someone is uncomfortable with it.

And that always brings me to Hettie Jones.

Hard Drive

Saturday the stuffed bears were up again
over the Major Deegan
dancing in plastic along the bridge rail
under a sky half misty, half blue
and there were white clouds
blowing in from the west

which would have been enough
for one used to pleasure
in small doses

But then later, at sunset,
driving north along the Saw Mill
in a high wind, with clouds big and drifting
above the road like animals
proud of their pink underbellies,
in a moment of intense light
I saw an Edward Hopper house
at once so exquisitely light and dark
that I cried, all the way up Route 22
those uncontrollable tears
"as though the body were crying"

and so young women
here's the dilemma

itself the solution:

I have always been at the same time
woman enough to be moved to tears
and man enough
to drive my car in any direction

Here's to 40 being good for me.

xo J


And I am ready for some *good* dancing when I get back to L.A.

Last night at the Batman premiere, Cianna screened the trailer for her documentary about my company. icka and I are in it. It's kinda nsfw.


It's Not Porn - A Documentary (Trailer) from Cianna Stewart on Vimeo.


Cianna made this trailer to help find funding for the film as well as to find other people who would like to be in the film. She is especially interested in filming models on their first photo shoot.

laibach tickets are $30!!@!#

this reminds me of a song. IT'S CALLED "WIRTSCHAFT IST TOT".


and if that's not the best laibach joke you've heard today... then i'm very confused.

invisiblebf just shared this amazing photo from our night of mayhem with aceofkittens.

( the hilariously terrified one in front is me. )

BEHIND THE SCENES: I had to do seven sketches to get the right look for the gynosplosion.

about to embark on a zipline tour through selvatura. also the insect museum. it´s cloudy, good weather for san franciscans!

Son of a dick, that was an insanely good movie.

I think the weirdest thing that's come out of the whole Dark Knight experience is that while i was saddened to hear of Heath Ledger's death, all I could think of that he'd been in was Brokeback Mountain and Monster's Ball. Hell, the latter only came after running through stuff in my head.

This is the first time that I've really thought, "Wow, he really was right on the edge of becoming a full-on, dead fucking brilliant mainstay-of-Hollywood actor."

They aren't kidding when they say Oscar. He was perfect in this movie. He was...insane.

b

El cario que te tengo
No te lo puedo negar
Se me sale la babita
Yo no lo puedo evitar

GAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!!

MY TWO GARMENTS WERE SELECTED TO BE IN THE NEW ZEALAND WORLD OF WEARABLE ART SHOW!!!!!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

This is huge, they only choose a few hundred garments from tons of entries all around the world!!! And it's a huge show in New Zealand!! I was not expecting to get accepted at all!! Woooooo!!

Now if only i could afford to go to the show. :( Scratch that! Tickets to New Zealand cost more than 3 months rent!

in monte verde, cabinas eddy is a cozy hotel. when i got here i crashed for about 4 hours on the comfey bed. it rained hard but we made it out to a night hike. biggest terantulla ever. this is more of a small town than la fortuna, mostly tourist geared. but they have the best canopy tours and some nice intact forest. we´ll be here no more than 3 days and then head to montazuma.

We put my gran in a box (nice wood) and in the ground
today. I then spent 3 hours with my three
sisters in two canoes, topped off scorching heat,
and a participate vibe. I need a nap, I wanna just
Fall asleep in the flowers 'n weeds, while watching the
bee's be industrious, and dream of Tea ships.

watchmen

asdkfhalskfhaslkfhasldh.

i repeat, asdkfhalskfhaslkfhasldh.

People are already bitching about the CGI.

I want to tell them to shut up and enjoy what it is.

One of the most ambitious page-to-screen endeavors ever.

Personally?

I believe it will work.

I totally suck with updating this thing lately....

After a night and morning of travel, I've arrived in NYC for The Last HOPE
I love this city so much. And friends from all over the world are gathered here. This is perfect.

...are weird.

For the record: it is 9:35am, and I am at work. I left at 8:53. I drove. As I stepped out the door, late as all get-out, I thought to myself, "Well, traffic better not be as bad as it was on Tuesday because if it is, I'm fucked." Fortunately, it was not. In fact, it was so not-bad that I was kind of taken aback.

Last time, traffic was backed up to Scott, or possibly even further, to Divis or beyond. Today? Traffic--if you could call it that--barely reached Buchanan. (Here's a map of my route, for those who aren't intimately familiar with San Francisco.) I was on the freeway by 9:03. That's 10 minutes from when I pulled out of my parking spot. Compare that to the 40 minutes it took me on Tuesday. WTF.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, not at all. It's just baffling is all. What caused so many more people to decide to drive on Tuesday than today? Were there actually more people, or was there some unseen factor contributing to the traffic? Maybe the lights were mistimed that day or something? Who the hell knows.

Anyway, it's totally weird, but I'm glad because it meant I got to work roughly on time and did not have to sit in frustrating traffic for 40 minutes. That generally helps my state of mind a lot.

Also, I got my residential parking permit in the mail last night! Joy! No more circling for hours and hours! No more being trapped for fear of losing my precious spot! :D

Account Structure Update
Back by popular demand, Basic Accounts will be available to all users again by the end of the (northern hemisphere) summer. More information on the decision-making process and proposals relating to the future of Basic Accounts are in lj_2008.

New Themes
Two attractive and all-new Flexible Squares themes, "Circular" and "Circular Brown" are now available.


L to R: Circular and Brown

New V-Gifts
Give someone you care about the gift of enticement. With the new Chocolate Ice Cream, Vanilla Ice Cream, Tea, Coffee, Curry and Sushi v-gifts, all the significant people in your life will be able to share in the longing for the tasty edibles below. Plus, it reminds loved ones you think they're really sweet, really savory or just plain satisfying.


L to R: Chocolate Ice Cream, Vanilla Ice Cream, Tea, Coffee, Curry and Sushi

Ж-Men...but not the ones you might expect!
This week LJ Russia launched Ж-Men, a new comedy series about superheroes, inspired by the LJ communities dedicated to superheros, comics and cartoons. The title's "Ж" comes from ЖЖ, the nickname for LiveJournal in Russia.

Ж-Men's script is written by a group of LJ enthusiasts who also happen to be television professionals. Who knew? Following the premiere, five more episodes will be broadcast over the next two weeks. We hope you find the series fresh and enjoyable.

This is, of course, an experiment for LiveJournal. As always, we'd love to hear what you think!